Managing The Move Together

If you, like many, have a concern about your freedom, but need to move through it to establish a "home", here is some advice aimed at the space-loving creatures who are afraid couple-life might stint their individuality !

As with any couple-decision like moving in together, it is important to discuss your fears with the other party before making a decision. If you're used to having your freedom and to spending time alone, let the other person know. Maybe they're in the same situation.

Either way, you need to make it clear that your success as a couple depends on enough space to live your life as you'd like it. I have encountered all sorts of couples - some are together, living in each other's laps 24 hours a day. They only see friends together, eat the same things at the same time, watch the same TV shows.

There are other couples who - for example - define certain times to be separate. If you need time to decompress after your day and you don't want someone bothering you the second you come in the door - negotiate it. I know a couple who defines that the guy needs to watch about 1/2 to 1 hour of TV when he gets home and he doesn't like being distracted with questions. With this need established, his girlfriend knows to just leave him alone.

In this way, each preserves their interests and individuality. Time at home can be spent each doing his own thing, if that's what you want.

Otherwise, another strategy can be to pick nights when each of you has activities - sports, friends, family engagements. If it's understood that you do these things separately, then each time he goes out, you get a quiet evening alone.

Living together doesn't mean you're glued to the other person. It's a question of how you manage the situation. In fact, sometimes you can actually gain more freedom this way - gaining the time you once spent ferrying between two appartments.

There is a serious adjustment period when you move in with someone during which time you develop patterns in which each of you is comfortable. It will take a few fights to define who cleans what, who listens to what music when and what volume the TV is. But this is just a phase. If you negotiate intelligently and the other party is open to your needs, you'll find a happy medium.

To resume then, you must:

1) Present your fears openly. Make sure the other person understands it's not a personal attack your relationship, but rather a worry about how to keep your individuality. Maybe they're worried too - you don't know until you talk about it.

2) Intelligently set things up so that you won't get claustrophobic. Living with someone takes adjustment - there is compromise and a bit of work at first. But you can come out of this phase with what you want - I am certain of it!

To conclude, a wise person once said to me, "In life, you don't get what you deserve. You get what you negitiate." I think this applies very well to this type of situation !