Roar, Crybaby Roar !

A good friend of mine told me this story the other day. As part of her degree, she was presenting her work in front of a bunch of judges who would give her a very important grade she needed to pass her diploma.

They did NOT like her work.
Superficial, lacking conviction, not up to the institution's standard, were their comments.
The poor girl had worked for months and months on the project, and - with very little feedback - had poured herself into the work.
In a word - OUCH !

She left the room glassy-eyed and sniffled in a corner of the hallway. Her colleagues and teachers noticed. Before long, the word seemed to be out - our little lady was being called Crybaby.

"You're always so sensitive," commented friends.
"You exaggerate," said her family.

But, let me ask you this: if this very same thing had happened to our friend and she left the room and went to punch a dent in the lockers, what would comments have been? Would her colleagues have called her weak? Would her teachers have accused her of exaggerating?
Likely, people's reactions would have been very different had she manifested aggression or outrage instead of tears.

The fact is that tears and crying as an emotional reaction are identifed with weakness, exaggeration or hysteria. Of course, given our culture's gendered social education, it's usually women who, when distraught, cry.
"Male" reactions such as lashing out, hitting something or screaming aren't ascribed to "weaklings". Yet, when you look at things, the reaction of screaming or lashing out is equally intense are tears - and it causes more casualities! Our culture quite simply validates of one type of emotional reaction, while we dismiss another.

Where could this come from?

In our society, just like white is valued over black (racism anyone?), so male is culturally valued as dominant over female. Boys are instructed not to cry, (that is, not to manifest "female" emotion), while anger is deemed socially acceptable. Women are in general less aggressive and more likely to cry, at least in public. This earns them the label of emotional or hysterical.

But how do we react to our fathers or brothers cursing someone out on the road because they just got cut off? Do we judge the men in our lives because, after losing a sports game, they trash the dressing room? Are they labeled emotional exaggerators?

I don't think so.

The fact is that socially, we tend to validate "male" emotions over "female" ones.

If you, like me and my good friend artist, are a crybaby, what can you do to deal?

The first thing is to realize what's going on. Crying in public or as a result of some sort of shock or disappointment is a legitimate emotional reaction. If you feel secure in this reaction which - unlike anger incidentally - does no collateral damage to those around you, to the devil with those who judge. You're just expressing physically what you're feeling. Good for you! You're connected in a healthy way to your emotions.

Crying doesn't make you weak, crazy or somehow emotionally handicapped. It just means you're in tune with your feelings.

Next, I suggest pointing out loud and clear to anyone who judges that they're essentially making the sexist assumption that anger is somehow better than tearing up. Just don't let macho attitudes get in your way.

Plus - did you know that crying actually releases a endorfins, the hormone that provokes a sense of well being? This means that crying does actually make you feel better afterwards.

So, ladies and germs: roar crybaby, roar! Let those tearducts flow unchecked. It's good for you!