A friend of mine asked me not long ago how to handle the fact that her family was trying to emotionally sabotage her up-coming marriage. They didn't approve of her partner. It's actually amazing how often this kind of thing happens. Most people have at some point faced parents being damagingly judgemental about a choice of partner. But what a disaster it can be when this takes place close to "I do"-time!
I've heard all sorts of variants on this theme. "I hate what I'm studying, but my parents say I should finish my degree." or "I work as an X, not because that's what I wanted, but because my family pushed me in that direction."
The truth is, families can be great supporters sometimes. They can guide us, shelter us, and nurture us when we're hurting. But - and it's a big but - families can also be very destructive if they aren't autonomy supporting, especially once the kids have grown up.
The process starts this way. As children, we learn to look to our parents and siblings to give us hints to where there may be danger. Remember when you were a terrified kid in a scary movie and your Dad put his arm around you and said everything'll be ok? Or, on the other hand, when you were doing something dangerous and didn't realise it? Your Mom swooped in and stopped you before disaster hit.
Basically, in times of stress or uncertainty you got used to looking to your parents for advice, AND THEY GOT USED TO GUIDING YOU and having the power to stop or encourage you.
Well, both parents and kids get confused in later life. Not only is it a huge step for a young adult to "take control of their lives" and go against family wisdom, be it with a choice of partners, career or lifestyle. But parents also have trouble. Because they're trying to prevent their kids from making what they see as a mistake, they can bully, become beligerent and come out with great little kernels like: "You're throwing your life away."
The key to dealing with reactions like this is twofold. The first aspect is to isolate yourself, if only for a few days. Go to someone's cottage. Take a road trip. Stay with a friend in another city.
And now, you want to do this without whoever's been pressuring you, like your parents or even an interfering friend and/or partner.
In this time, you need to square stuff with yourself. Why do you want to make a change? Are you sure of your choice? Are your motives the rights ones?
If the answers to all these questions are "Yes". Then you've got half your answer. You know in your heart what is right for you.
Why do I recommend this check-in with yourself?
Because, rebellious little teenagers that we are, even as adults, often we do things in "reaction" to those around us. For example, "You don't think I should be with this guy? Ok, I'm going to buy a ring." or "You don't think I should move just now? Well I'll call the realtor tommorrow morning!"
For this reason, it's very important to get straight in your head what decisions are yours and what you've done in reaction to other people's (overbearing) opinions.
In the case of a family sabotaging an up-coming marriage, I'd ask myself: "Why do I want to get married at a time when my family has little confidence. If these memories will last a lifetime, wouldn't I rather they be as perfect as possible? And if money is an issue, why not save for 6 months?"
Once you've got this straight, it's time to take on your family. Sit down the contrary members one by one and start with something like:
"I know you don't think what I'm doing is a good idea, but I'm an adult and I've made a choice. There's nothing you can do to change my mind. Actually, now, you're in the process of ruining our relationship by trying to undermine my autonomy and self-esteem. I value our relationship and so want us to straighten this out productively. But you need to learn to respect my judgement. It is me who chooses how to live my life. It's me that will live with the consequences of my actions and who will be happy in my own way. It's my life."
After that, let the other person talk, but don't let them start with the "You're making a bad decision" thing. You're an adult. They have a right to a different view and to draw your attention to details you might have overlooked, but you have a right to your autonomy. And ultimately, it's up to your family to learn to love the person you really are, not the person they'd want you to be.
Be courageous. If you play this type of situation right, you can take a big step into adulthood. You can learn to be more able and fit to stand on your own feet in the future. No one can drag a person down once she's anchored by faith in her power of decision.
See this occaision as challenge an opportunity to acquire strength.
Go out an act according to your desires, dreams and capacities. Other people's support is important, but you're the one living your life. Also, consider that true healthy relationships are balanced with advice and the support of autonomy. Someone trying to bully you into submission over anything is not a great situation to remain in. If, after repeated attempts to curtail emotional bullying you don't succeed to contain it, you might want to take a look at the closeness you accord this particular relationship.
No reason to masochistically open up your jaw for a punch. Of course, we need to learn to be vulnerable time to time, but the intimacy of exposing vulnerablility is a privilege in a friendship. Someone who abuses the trust required to share insecurities perhaps isn't worthy of that trust.
Also, you might want to check your own need for approval. If you find yourself constantly requiring validation that your choices are the right ones, you might be lacking conviction of your own. Requiring validation, of course, opens you up for abuse, should you surround yourself with the wrong people.
If you have specific doubts about marriage or partnership, you can take this sort of fun "Marriage test".
