It would appear that everyone knows that when you are grieving a loss you go through certain stages. These stages first discussed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross were denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. She talked about these in her book, “On Death and Dying” in 1969. We have taken this concept a bit too far!!!
There is no doubt the subject of grief has to be discussed more openly in our society and Kubler-Ross was instrumental in getting it on people’s radar. Big kudos to Elizabeth for improving that awareness in our society. But we can’t sit back on our laurels about this subject. It is still very taboo after a very short period of time after a death or any loss.
The one thing that people who are grieving need more than anything is validation. That means simply that they need to know that what they are experiencing is normal, they aren’t going crazy and they are not different from others who have gone through this process.
A significant part of what Kubler-Ross said is that these “stages” do not necessarily come in any order and that they may not all be experienced. She did feel people would experience at least two. She talks about people feeling like they were on a roller coaster as many grief experts do. I suspect she had some misgivings about labeling this process “stages”. It is a dangerous term.
Most people have heard about these stages but I suspect most have not read her book where these are mentioned. If they had, the explanation about how they occur would have made more sense. So education has to continue to dispel the myth that you travel through these stages like going over a grocery-shopping list, checking off the stages as you complete them. If it was only this simple. No wonder people are frustrated, confused, feeling like they are going crazy and wondering when the madness will stop!!
The symptoms people experience are in several areas. These include emotional, physical, cognitive and behavioral. There are multiple symptoms that can present themselves from any of these areas and more than one symptom happening at any time. In a nutshell, it is a total assault on your body.
As time goes on the symptoms experienced do lessen in intensity and frequency but this takes time. Usually more time than most of society is willing to allow. Unfortunately you have to go through this assault and feel the pain from this avalanche of symptoms to get to the point where they lessen. This doesn’t mean that they will never return. Years after a loss a memory, song, smell or anything can trigger a reaction. You may not be able to predict this so be prepared.
Perhaps we can learn from each other as we experience these losses in our lives and bring this subject “out of the closet”. The more people know about this process, and that is what it is, the better prepared they will be for it. They will also not reinforce the myth that there is a checklist to go through and then you are done.
Shakespeare said it best when he said, “Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak binds up the human heart and bids it break”. Let’s talk to each other!!
© 2010 Jane Galbraith
Jane Galbraith, BScN, R.N., is the author of “Baby Boomers Face Grief – Survival and Recovery”. Her work in the community health field included dealing with palliative clients and their bereaved families and has also assisted facilitating grief support groups. She speaks to many organizations and employers including the Bereavement Ontario Network annual meeting and the Canadian Palliative Care and Hospice Conference in the fall of 2007, 2010 and other workshops in the United States in 2009. She is working with various employers that want to change the corporate culture with regards to handling grief in the workplace.
Her book is available through the author directly at
jane.galbraith@me.com or
www.boomergrief.com or
www.amazon.com
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