Grief and Loss: Three Successes That Never Fail

Grief, the inner response to loss, and the massive changes that have to be navigated throughout life are conditions of existence. No one escapes losses which repeatedly cycle into and out of our lives at various intensities. Bereavement—the fact of loss—exists without choice, but how we mourn the loss of our loved ones is filled with daily decisions and choices. Those choices determine the course of our grief work, adapting to the new circumstances of life, and the extent to which we minimize unnecessary suffering.

For thirty years I have been helping the bereaved in a variety of settings, hospices, homes, and in support groups. In addition, I am no stranger to grief and its stresses having confronted the deaths of my parents, younger sister, and older brother. Most difficult of all was the death of my only daughter. My wife and I found her lifeless body in her crib, one warm summer afternoon. Having studied the mystery of loss and change, as well as experienced it, has helped me gain some insight into this developmental experience called grief.

I have come away amazed at the multiplicity of resilient ways that people deal with great losses. There are literally hundreds of individual ways to manage life without the physical presence of our loved ones. This is because of the fact that every relationship is one of a kind and each one of us is the only individual copy on the planet.

But are there similarities we can all consider in our grief journeys? Absolutely. Here are three successful strategies that never fail—unless we decide to abandon them.

1. Increase your ability to learn to love in separation. Love and the relationship live on; it doesn’t suddenly cease at death. I still have a daughter and a relationship with my siblings and parents. The needed new behavior is to discover ways in which love can still be expressed despite the physical absence of the beloved. Begin by realizing it is perfectly okay to talk—yes talk—to your deceased loved one, as millions before you have and continue to do. You can still share your day with your beloved, who is not physically present. You can speak his or her name out loud or silently within, asking for the strength to adapt.
Here is a short list of examples of how others continue to love: symbolize the spiritual presence of the deceased with a lighted candle, a picture, a favorite food, or ritual on special occasions; pass on his or her teachings; finish or continue a task the deceased started; use inspirational messages as reminders, make a memory box of mementos; show gratitude for what you received from the relationship; ask for ideas from the loved one on dealing with a problem and see what pops into your mind, start a new tradition; routinely read a verse from scripture or a book that reminds you of the beloved; ask the loved one to visit you in a dream. There are hundreds of ways to love in separation depending on your creativity and intent of any action you take.
Of equal importance to coping with your great loss, is to increase your ability to become a more loving person each day and to every person you meet. There is no greater power in the universe than love. I have seen it help mourners more than any other coping intervention. It will get you through anything life throws at you and change your perception of the world and your place in it.

2. Network with other mourners and those with grief experience. Knowledge about grief and managing loss is the foundation for dealing with your loss because we learn so much misinformation when we are young. Others who are dealing with a similar loss—or others who are past the intense mourning period—are untapped resources for managing change.

When your spirits get low, as they normally will at various times, and loneliness closes in, it is essential to have someone you can call, text, or meet with. For what purpose? So you can discuss feelings and not let them drag you down further. In these instances, isolation is a killer, whereas someone who will just listen and be with your pain is a huge asset. In this vein, do not feel it is a sign of weakness to join a grief support group. There is great wisdom in these groups and you can pick and choose what is right for you. Interaction will give you strength and endurance.

3. Persist. All confrontations with massive change demand persistence. Most great discoveries are the result of this trait. As sure as you know your loved one has left your life, you can be doubly sure that stinging memory is not going to suddenly disappear; over time it has to be accommodated in some fashion or you will live in a bubble forever. Day in and day out, an event or a thought will spark that awareness and resulting pain. The answer to this ongoing predicament is to accept the collision of realities, transcend the hurting results, and commit to going on with the task at hand. Or as Alfred Adler, the Austrian psychiatrist put it: “The most essential factor is persistence - the determination never to allow your energy or enthusiasm to be dampened by the discouragement that must inevitably come.”

So you have to decide to be bitter or better, to be loss oriented or restoration oriented. There is no middle ground. What can you do when your heart aches, you are emotionally drained, you cry at the drop of a hat, and you wonder why? Hang in and allow it all to work through you as the ransom we all pay for loving well.

To summarize: What keeps our successes ongoing? Everyday practice. I repeat, everyday. Especially, when you feel you have been doing so well, then fall back to an earlier period of deep sadness. Find ways to express your love to the person who is no longer with you and to those you interact with on a daily basis. Find other mourners you can speak with either in person, on the telephone, or text message. Tell yourself several times a day, “I will get through this difficult time. I am persisting.”

Put the following three words in places where you will be constantly reminded: love, network, persist. Consider placing them (or a word symbol of the three, like LNP, if you don’t want others to know what you are doing), in key places. Here is a short list of possibilities to choose from: refrigerator door, bathroom mirror, dashboard of your car (I had a small sign made that reads “outtalk negativity” on mine), back of your cell phone, your bed stand, a bulletin board, your computer screen saver, inside the visor of your hat, or in your pocket, money clip, or purse. Maybe you only need one inspiring message. You choose. Most important of all, use your symbol as a way of reminding yourself that your loved one wants you to reinvest in life, and at the same time, continue to love in separation. Your relationship will never end.
You can adapt to your great loss and you will grow from the experience.