A Common Mistake Men and Women Make (and How to Correct It)

This article uses personal stories to illustrate one particular mistake women and men make that causes them to feel unappreciated and disrespected. It also shows you how being sensitive to and proactive about correcting this common error gives you an experiential way to say, “I love you.”

Some of the best relationship advice I ever got was that men feel loved when you respect them and women feel loved when you cherish their feelings. Respecting him and cherishing her happen in many ways. There are opportunities to express respect and cherishing in big, over the top ways, such as when something outstanding is accomplished. But there are also opportunities to express respect and cherishing in small, even mundane ways. It’s possible it is the little things that count the most when it comes to this particular advice. My husband, Joseph, and I were reminded of this recently.

We were at a buffet where we paid in advance. We had some kind of club card with points that reduced the price. This resulted in the cashier asking questions. For whatever reason, her gaze fell on me; so, I answered her. During our short exchange I could feel and see Joseph's slight displeasure. I asked him about it later and, from his perspective, he was the man paying for our date and, as overly dramatic as it might sound, my answering the cashier usurped his place as provider and protector.

You may defend me with the question, "Well, what were you supposed to do when the cashier asked you the questions?" My answer is I could have just not answered her. Half a beat later, Joseph would have and her attention would have gone back to him.
That day, I must admit, the situation irritated me. I tend to get embarrassed when I’m not at my feminine best (i.e. when I have to be right, have the answer, know what’s best, need to take over, etc. rather than trusting my big guy to be the big guy!).

And then there was the border incident! Last spring we took a vacation of a lifetime spending time first in Vancouver with family followed by an Alaskan cruise. We flew into Seattle, WA and drove to Vancouver. At the border, the guard asked us a lot of questions. Even though Joseph was driving and the guard was positioned on his side of the car, I answered every single question asked! It was crazy but somehow in my nervousness I felt compelled to answer all the questions, likely making us appear more suspect than if I’d just relaxed and let Joseph handle it.

The other day, I watched this dynamic play out in another couple. Standing in line at the movies, the couple in front of us was asked if they could be sold senior tickets. The wife was fast on the draw and instead of waiting for her husband (who was paying) to answer the question, she asked, "What's the senior age?" Then a whole conversation ensued where she revealed their ages, the fact that she was older, and how much longer he had to go before he qualified for the senior price.

Even only able to see his profile, the look on his face was priceless. Shaking his head, he stared at her with eyes big as saucers, mouth ajar, clearly unable to believe that his wife had shared such personal information with a complete stranger! I felt for him and gained Joseph's perspective by witnessing these dynamics in another couple.

Most of the differences between men and women, the ones that irk us, stem from qualities that, in pre-historic days, helped us keep each other and our children alive. Women take the lead in conversations because they are wired for relationship building and connecting. Men take charge because they’re wired to protect and serve. When a man dismisses a woman’s need to communicate or a woman takes charge in a situation he was handling, they unwittingly disrespect each other. We get our wires crossed and sparks fly!

Being conscientious about these differences and being proactive about respecting the differences are effective ways to say I love you. Your spouse may never know the effort you took to refrain from interfering with their area of gender expertise, so to speak; yet, when you practice that restraint, you know you’ve done well. The peace and loving-kindness that exists in a moment where tension and resentment could have built adds to the quality of your relationship.

So here's my advice. Ladies, when your fellow escorts you out and about, let him do the work of being your date, your provider, and protector. When the pair of you are asked a question he can answer, a slight hesitation on your part, creating the space for him to answer, shows respect for him, flatters him, and costs you practically nothing. You can handle the tiny discomfort of making a cashier or server wait half a beat longer to get their questions answered!

And for the men, if you find your place as provider and protector being usurped by your lovely lady when you're out on the town, especially if it is because she interpreted social cues in such a way that she felt compelled to answer a question meant for you; be kind and gentle, even humorous as you share with her the subtly of that kind of interaction and how it affects you. She'll appreciate your honesty even more if it doesn't make her feel like less of a woman.