Whose Job Is It Anyway?

A few years into my marriage I realized that we had some pretty big issues. For all the understanding, and knowledge and even schooling I had (Psychology was my field. Go figure.), I also knew that I wasn't going to fix what was broken about this marriage. We needed an "outsider". Someone who would be objective and detached. I remember asking my husband if he'd go to counseling. He wasn't crazy about the idea, but he agreed to go. I sought a man, rather than a woman, because my hubbie was a "macho" kind of guy and I figured he'd be more comfortable with a man. For my part, I didn't really care one way or the other. My primary objective was to get him to go with me, and to repair the damages. I loved him and I didn't want to "give up".

A month later I realized he wasn't going to go with me. Every week, on the day of our appointment, he'd call me an hour before and tell me one reason or other why he couldn't make it. Each time, I'd call the Doc and tell him we needed to reschedule. Finally, on the fourth time I called, the good doctor said, "you know, you can come by yourself. If he doesn't want to participate, it doesn't have to stop you from doing what ever you can do."

So I went. All by myself, I went to see this man who I already liked from that simple little exchange. During that first session, he asked a lot of questions (of course) and I responded as honestly as I could. I had no desire to hide anything from this man. Nor did I want to waste my time with "protecting" my ego. We had big trouble and I was determined to FIX IT. At the end of that first session he asked me to do a little "exercise". He said, "I want you to go home and get a Post-It pad. I want you to write the words: "It's not my job" on several notes and put them up where YOU will see them often, every day, without them being in his face."

I wasn't quite sure about where he was going with this, but I had an innate trust in the man, so I did what he asked. During the course of the next week, I saw those notes many times a day. And the thing that became very clear to me was that I was, indeed, trying to take on the whole marriage...all by myself. Like it was MY job to fix all of it. It was MY job to get my husband to give a rip about what was going on, going wrong, going down the tubes.

It was NOT my job to do that.

I'll freely admit, without embarrassment or regret, that I was very much "the controller" then. I really thought the world would stop spinning if I didn't have a hand in everything! Yes. It's a little silly (a LOT silly), but that's where I was then. That is, until I started my weekly sessions with the Good Doc.

I kept going to see him...for an entire year. Throughout that year I was given some pretty awesome tools and a whole lot of encouragement. He (the Doc) had told me at onset that it was quite likely that by the time our "work" was done, I'd just as probably leave the marriage as I would stay. He was one of the most honest, ethical, terrific people I've ever met. And, as it turned out, he was right.

The last day I saw him, I walked into his office, sat down and said, "I'm done. I believe we've come as far as we were meant to come. As much as I've enjoyed, AND dreaded, our sessions, I know that there's nothing more for you to do. Now it's time for me to do what I need to do."

We did finish our session that day. But mostly it was about my sharing my plans and his very sincere encouragement. He told me that day that I'd done a pretty good job of cutting that "controller" loose and finding a more 'healthy' approach to living. He also told me he was proud of me. And yea. That mattered.

Now here I am, years later, remembering just how important those sessions were to MY life. Yes. I left my marriage. And even though I still hold great love for the man, I do not hold any bitterness nor regret. He, and the marriage, were part of my "process". I learned volumes about what is and isn't "my job". I learned how to let people make their own choices, and not try to affect those choices. We each have our own lives to live. And, in the end, the more we ALLOW everyone their choices, the more our own choices are made clear. It's NOT about running someone else's life. It's about running YOUR OWN LIFE.